BEDA 11- Sports COULD HAVE BEEN like life

I played baseball in gradeschool. From about third grade till sixth grade I think. Can't remember exactly.

Anyways our team was pretty boss. The last-ish year I played we had an undefeated season and moved up into a league higher than our age level. We had two AMAZING pitchers and a few people that were just fantastic at specific things like catcher, first base, and hitting. We owned a bunch of tournaments and made it to the county playoffs one time (which was creepy as hell because they announced your name as you came up to bat and it was so official that we got freaked out and lost so badly).

I quit baseball because it was starting to get in the way of Boy Scouts. If you do not know I have been pretty big in boy scouts. I made it all the way to eagle scout. But ive had this weird theory about what could have happened if i quit boy scouts and pursued baseball throughout the rest of grade school and into high school.

First off I would have a different group of friends and different outlooks on things. I would have hung out with more sporty type people in high school which would have completely changed who I am today. I decided to be all anti-sporty people in high school and get involved with a bunch of alternative type people (which influenced 90% of the music I now listen to and some of my ways of thinking). The label I associated myself with in high school kinda worked out in the end because goth-ish people are usually nerds who like invader zim and old school video games. (just look at how much nerdy stuff there is at hot topic).

But if I had preppy friends i'd probably listen to rap now and be going to an out of town state university and being all "normal" and whatnot (and boring). I probably would have gone to a private high school because that's what all those types of people from my grade school went to. Private high school would have basically turned me into the opposite of who I currently am.

Its just so weird to think that if I had made one simple path change in my past I could be sitting here as someone I currently look down upon. I'd be that person and not be here blogging, listening to this music and chatting with my online friends. I'd be packing for college and talking about what parties i'm going to this weekend or something.

Boy Scouts and people not accepting me in grade school were kind of the best things to happen to me.


Reading: finished another story in oblivion today. Hopefully getting some prisoner of azkaban pwned tonight.

Last song scrobbled: "Somatically Incorrect" - Whitechapel

Days till school starts: 12 (oh no! did i mention I hate my school?)

BEDA 10- Things Thatt I Really Really Love

i don't have a topic so i'm stealing ideas from lindsay and listing things that I really love:

• The feeling of playing guitar. especially when it is something very difficult and I nail it.
• the smell of a bookstore
• fall
• tons of rain that doesnt have wind or lightning/thunder associated with it
• albums that are so good you can (and HAVE to) listen to the whole thing all the way through each time
• Say Anything's music. Literally every time puts me in the greatest mood ever
• Max Bemis from Say Anything
• David Foster Wallace
• The feeling you get when you read a book passage/lyrics and realize that it directly applies to your life
• the way John Green's mind works
• chocolate milk
• really nice looking bookshelves
• modern furniture
• continuity
• symmetry
• the office
• fight club
• creating things/making things out of other things
• nerdfighteria in general. so much can be said about everything it has done for me
• my internet friends. I am closer to them than my irl friends
• finishing a really good book and just sitting there stunned, thinking "wow"
• mexican food
• live music
• (good) stand up comics
• girls with eyeliner
• green eyes
• good pizza
• the color red
• chai tea
• monty python
• frank lloyd wright
• knowing all the words to a really good song
• people who are very experimental with stuff like music etc
• getting people into new things
• having the perfect amount of alcohol to make me not care just enough to be perfectly social (i have social anxiety so being able to truly relax in a public environment and completely enjoy myself is the best ever)
  
• that 70's show
• john darnielle
• [adult swim]
• the legend of zelda: ocarina of time
• star wars
• harry potter
• being on the inside of an inside joke
• imagining the layout of my future place of living

that's all i can think of in one go like this but I did pretty good

Reading: ok i didnt start prisoner of azkaban last night but i've read some oblivion today and i'm going to read more in a bit
Last Song Scrobbled: Muzzle- The Smashing Pumpkins

BEDA 9- My first surgery I guess?

its 8-9-10 today tee hee

so I couldnt eat breakfast this morning because they said if I didnt have an empty stomach when I was put on anesthesia I COULD DIE. so I was just really tired going into the hospital this morning. I wasnt too freaked out. The last 5 minutes of prep I was kinda worried but that was because i've never been on an IV before. everything past that I didn't care about because I would be asleep.

So before they put the IV in i asked how long before everything kicks in and they said about 45 seconds. Putting the IV in was not bad at all. Even better than getting a shot. So i'm sitting there and they're asking me questions and nothing is happening yet. then i started looking at the ceiling and it became wavy. the lights were those kind that are long tubes and they suddenly got really wide and had a moving texture to them and I told the doctor they looked like clouds or water.

that's when I fell asleep.

I woke up and they helped me into another room because it was SO hard to walk. they put gauze in my mouth and told me some things and I got on a wheelchair and was taken to the parking lot where my mom pulled up and I got in the car. I dont remember anything before I fell asleep up until about an hour after I had been home.

In the car I called like 3 people and talked to them or left messages, i recorded myself saying things on my phone so look forward to that, and I am told that I kept repeating everything that I was saying because I forgot I said it. It was funny but apparently annoying because I wouldnt stop talking. I tweeted: "Wow i feel creat joe in not in saga this is cool"

when I got home I did a live show but it was not for very long because my face started hurting so I left. then my mom gave me some pain pills. I would later find out that these were not the pills I was prescribed but HER pills that she had leftover. after a while i started to feel a dull ache in my mouth and then it slowly got worse. and then my mom told me she didnt get my pills yet and it started hurting really bad and I started to freak out.

if you have ever been in a situation like this where there is a lot of pain, you cant think and you want people to cooperate with you. when the cooperation didn't happen I got really pissed at my mom and started yelling at her for not giving me the right pills. so she left to get my perscription.

meanwhile I sat at home as the pain became very intense. i went for an ice pack that my mom made me only it was just cubes in a bag which doesnt do much to conform to your face. i was looking for the hammer to crush it and couldnt find it and started screaming becausei needed the pain to go away and i just started smashing the ice on the counter with my hands. i busted the bag open and it was leaking on me for the next half hour. the pain became so intense that i was just sitting there in my room flailing my limbs and crying.

finally my mom got home and i took my pills and it went away in like 3 minutes.

i havent been able to eat much since I can only do liquids and jello today. so ive eaten 2 Ensures which are tasty but not satisfying and a cup of jello. i feel like crap sorta because i dont have much in my stomach but I will probably feel loads better tomorrow

i still have to get my top two wisdom teeth out, probably during winter break, but now that i know what it's like i'm not going to have any problem with it at all

Today I finished reading Chamber of Secrets and i'm going to start Prisoner of Azkaban tonight and also probably read a bit of Oblivion.

Last song scrobbled: 'Dirge For November'- Opeth

BEDA 8- I almost missed blogging today

I was out with some peeps and didn't expect to be home but we got sent home early sooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tomorrow I am getting my bottom two wisdom teeth taken out that I have put off since December. I am going to the hospital to do it so they can put me to sleep because I would freak out during the procedure and probably throw up while there are cuts in my mouth which would be bad.

So I can't eat anything and not even have water after midnight tonight, until after my surgery. Then its only cold, liquidy foods for a few days (and i dont have to work!) People are telling me I should be excited for the pain medication. We'll see. If i'm drugged up i'll try to record some of it/do a live show.

I have not freaked out about the whole thing yet, but I expect to in the morning.

ok now how do I end this....................................................................

sry for the ranty blog yesterday. it really didnt seem as ranty in my head as it did just explaining myself which is always what happens

OH OH OH we're finally gonna fix my car doors this week from my crash IN FEBRUARY

i am excite

No smoking: 4 days (and I literally CAN NOT do it for quite a while because i'm going to be healing in the mouth area so if i do it will mess it up so i'll get a good lead and then not want to mess up my "streak" and keep going

Reading: 100 pages left in chamber of secrets. i'll be reading A LOT the next 3 days
Last song scrobbled: 'Hands of a Killer'- Suicide Silence

BEDA 7 (I missed a day)

and I dont care that I missed a day because I did not touch my computer all day yesterday. I went from sleeping to reading to working to a party and then came home and fell asleep at 1:30am.

So the whole pretense of "ok i'll do beda" is because i'm doing it with a "support group" (jk its just friends all doing beda together) and I was going to be given topics to write about. This is not always happening for reasons unknown. I don't know what to talk about and then I have to try to squeeze out a bunch of crap 2 hours before midnight with my brother bitching at me because he wants to sleep and his face is like 4 feet from my computer screen.

I am not a writer. I never claimed to be. Blogging 30 days in a row without pre-discussed topics should not be something for me to do. I like writing, but I dont like thinking things up.

It would be cool if I could go back to what I said a few days ago and work on self control stuff. I guess the fact that i'm still blogging with no topic is self control (?).

This is a good time of day for me to blog except I dont have unlimited time to work on things and make them good/thought out. I'd have blogged earlier but I've been busy for almost 2 full days.

I am bitching so much and trying to turn this blog around but i'm not going to be able to. I am literally just explaining myself but it comes off as whining, same thing as in my videos! There are so many dumb people in the world that I just have to make a video explaining something but it comes out all whiny and dumb (see my last video for an example).

Maybe I can make a video officially saying "Fuck You" and do what I want on youtube instead of not posting for a while, having people pester me with "where did you go come back make something" and then posting a video saying "hey i'm not dead i'll work on videos later". I still have mixed feelings about vlogging. I do not particularly like reviewing myself talking. It has gotten loads better but I still prefer not to do it. I want to make artsy/skit type videos instead of just me talking about life because then I feel better about people I know IRL seeing my videos. If they find out I do videos and want to watch them i'll gladly show them my redneck impression video but get super nervous about them seeing a talk about things type video.

I love editing, point blank. I hate acting and I hate writing. I love putting things together to create something. Basically i've decided as of right now- fuck everyone i'm going to do what I feel like doing and what fits into MY life, not how much you want to see my face on your screen. I'm going to change up what I do on youtube. I feel like I could start a second channel to do vlogs but whats the point when I already have 2 channels (one that I dont use anymore) and a collab channel (that I'm pretty sure i'm going to leave)

Lets get into that- school is starting in a few weeks and I have a job now. Even if I switched days i'm 80% sure i'm going to have to leave 7awesomebookworms because I am not going to have the time/energy/creativity to make a video every week. Plus the intent of joining a collab channel was that it would not interfere with my personal channel. Guess what- it did. I had time to post last wednesday but I didnt because I HAVE NOTHING NEW TO TALK ABOUT. I dont do much with my life so it is pointless for me to make a video every week on a channel that has no structure/guidelines/themes/etc. Every single week:

Hi
*talk about something*
*this is what i'm reading*
*work/school/etc*
*something i'm GOING to do*
*taking up space*
*ok bye*

Every week for the past like 3 months.

I dont feel like there is even a "conversation" happening between the other collab members because most of the time everyone else either doesnt post or hasnt seen the other videos throughout the week. So who am I making the video for?

Cory, Katy, Eevee, Rachel, Spring, Darci (if any of you see this, i know katy will 4 sho) please know i'm not bitching you all out or being angry about this, i've just lost interest and dont see a point for me anymore. I still have not made a final decision but once school starts for me there is a very good chance I'll be leaving 7awesomebookworms.


Ok moody as hell blog should stop now before it morphs into something else.

Reading: about to go do that right now
Not smoking: 3 days. I'm back to being determined about it and turned it down 2 days ago.
Last song scrobbled: 'Informal Gluttony'- Between the Buried and Me
Self Control for the day: i'd say yes.

BEDA 5- My Day, Patronus/Love Potion

I'm going to start calling it BEDA, despite the face that I initially hated it, because its easier

First of all i'd like to say that I didn't even turn on my computer until 2pm so I could get things done. Granted today I set my alarm for 8:30 in attempt to get into a regular sleeping/waking schedule but I fell asleep twice and got up at 9:30. So tomorrow i'm setting it for 8:45 (15 minutes extra can do WONDERS)
So today I finished reading HP and the Sorceror's Stone and immediately put my bookmark in Chamber of Secrets (gonna start it tonight). I also finished the first story in Oblivion by David Foster Wallace that I am reading along with Valerie(2776) and Arka(pain).
Once that was over I turned on my computer and immediately got to "work" by finishing up The Show with Ze Frank. So now i'm officially done with my orientation and am a new member of the league of awesomeness (you have no clue what that means unless you watch The Show)


So now to talk about my patronus. Ive taken many quizzes to make sure I get the same result (the same thing I did to make SURE I was a Ravenclaw) and the answer I always get is a squirrel. Squirrels are my favorite animals which tends to make people laugh sometimes. I love them. They're like ninjas and have that animal way of thinking like dogs and cats that make them funny.
I guess I can relate to a squirrels mannerisms. They are very sporatic and gittery. Ever seen a squirrel in the middle of a road when a car is coming towards it? Quite often squirrels will run back and forth not sure which side they should run to before getting hit my a FREAKING CAR. I can be the same way with decisions. I'll go back and forth and frequently change my mind about things (like yesterday's blog about my priorities constantly changing)

Since that didn't take up enough blog space i'll go into more harry potter stuff and tell you about what the love potion smells like to me (if you dont know there is a love potion in harry potter that smells different to everyone) To me it would smell like the inside of Barnes and Noble. That bookstore specifically smells better than others. I'm not sure why. Part of it is probably because of the coffee shop they have in there which gives a faint smell of coffee on top of the smell of new books. Old books DO smell interesting but I think a room full of NEW books smells better than old books.

Reading: PWNED for the day. Finished Sorcerer's Stone, started Chamber of Secrets and read some of Oblivion
Days Not Smoking: 1 (ok I failed yesterday so kill me. but i'm still noticing that the initial act is what I find exciting about doing it, not the effects, because often those suck after almost 3 years of doing it)
Last Song Scrobbled: 'The Curse of Castle Dragon'- Paul Gilbert

Blaugust 4- Conflicted

I mentioned yesterday that I lack self control in certain areas of my life. (once again I was going to read today and here it is 2:30pm and i have not left the computer) I also fail to prioritize things sometimes.

Currently i'm in the middle of 3 different programs that i'm watching online. If i would just work on the shortest one first I could get it out of the way.

I tend to move around my priorities quite frequently. Example is today I wanted to figure out my render issues on Sony Vegas and upload a video. I did that, so my next major goal of the day is to catch up on reading. Before pulling myself from the computer to go read I got a phone call from a friend who wants to hang out. Leaving the house for potential fun is a pretty top priority so It just replaced reading.

So in the back of my head to make myself feel better i'm going to say that I will come home at a decent hour so that I can still read TONIGHT. Which is why I'm blogging now, so I will not have excuses to not read tonight.

So i'm going to a friend's house. The house that I go to on an almost daily basis sometimes. This is due to the fact that he is always available to hang out and I never have any other plans as my other friends are always busy. This partly sucks because the one that can always hang out is the one that contributes to the smoking problem. We don't have much to do over there besides watch tv and listen to music so smoking becomes something to do or becomes a way to make doing nothing fun and/or bearable. My best plan of action would obviously be to stop hanging out with this guy but I don't think I can do that. I am still good friends with him and he's the only one that likes the same heavy music as me so its great to be able to listen to music with him and talk about bands. Its also nice to have a place I can always go if I need to escape the house.

So i'm going over there and he just got off the phone with me and told me about his new pipe and so he's GOING to smoke and GOING to offer it to me and I'm going to try my best to resist. I never know how well i'm going to be able to do this.

I have an addictive personality. You probably already know this- whenever I get into something i REALLY get into it and obsess over it. (Dont believe me? just go look at my last.fm and see how many plays Dream Theater has over all my other bands because I am addicted to Dream Theater) So I have an addictive personality I have come to terms with this. I can't get off this computer to go do other things I want to do etc. When you add substances to an addictive personality that's probably not a good thing. When i'm on something once it starts to kick in, no matter what my initial limits are, I will usually go into a mode where I will only say "ok, how can I get more of this into my system?" This is not to say i'm always running around looking to get fucked up, just WHILE i'm on it I want to keep going further.

Since we're talking about this sort of thing I'd like to blog about, because putting things out there in writing form makes me feel better, the fact that I tried a new substance a few weeks ago.

So far i've done- alcohol, weed, and a strain of opium that was very diluted and not very powerful. Now I can add this stuff called K2 to my list. In a nutshell its synthetic weed. It's still a new thing so not much is known about it but basically they take a bunch of herbs and spices and spray it with a chemical. This chemical contains some of the active ingredients found in marijuana. The stuff is sold as incense but some genius found out that you can smoke it and get a super weed high. I was told it was such a high that it was near hallucination. My friend got some for his birthday from someone and it didnt break any of my personal substance use rules (I do have some guidelines that keep me away from doing things like crack and meth and heroin) so I opted to try it out.

I did not like it. I was INCREDIBLY self concious and my mind was racing the whole time. I was going nuts and starting to shake. I thought oh no this is a bad trip I need to go chill out somewhere and wait this out so I went into the AC and watched tv until it was over.

Addictive personality thought that even though it sucked I should try it again now that I know what it's like It could be different. So I did it again that night and it wasnt as bad. I think the first time I was just freaked out by what it might do.

The rest of that week we didnt smoke weed because we had this K2 stuff. The next time I did finally smoke weed it didnt affect me as much since I was used to the K2. I still have not been able to find out if the K2 has permanently affected my weed tolerance but if it HAS then that is a GOOD thing because that means weed will not do anything for me any more and I wont want to do it.

Ok babbling too much so i'm going to end this.

Days of no smoking- 6.5 (today is not over yet, sadly) *edit: i failed*
Reading- a TINY bit today, hopefully more later on *edit: i succeeded*
Last song scrobbled- 'Roboturner'- Between the Buried and Me