BEDA 7 (I missed a day)

and I dont care that I missed a day because I did not touch my computer all day yesterday. I went from sleeping to reading to working to a party and then came home and fell asleep at 1:30am.

So the whole pretense of "ok i'll do beda" is because i'm doing it with a "support group" (jk its just friends all doing beda together) and I was going to be given topics to write about. This is not always happening for reasons unknown. I don't know what to talk about and then I have to try to squeeze out a bunch of crap 2 hours before midnight with my brother bitching at me because he wants to sleep and his face is like 4 feet from my computer screen.

I am not a writer. I never claimed to be. Blogging 30 days in a row without pre-discussed topics should not be something for me to do. I like writing, but I dont like thinking things up.

It would be cool if I could go back to what I said a few days ago and work on self control stuff. I guess the fact that i'm still blogging with no topic is self control (?).

This is a good time of day for me to blog except I dont have unlimited time to work on things and make them good/thought out. I'd have blogged earlier but I've been busy for almost 2 full days.

I am bitching so much and trying to turn this blog around but i'm not going to be able to. I am literally just explaining myself but it comes off as whining, same thing as in my videos! There are so many dumb people in the world that I just have to make a video explaining something but it comes out all whiny and dumb (see my last video for an example).

Maybe I can make a video officially saying "Fuck You" and do what I want on youtube instead of not posting for a while, having people pester me with "where did you go come back make something" and then posting a video saying "hey i'm not dead i'll work on videos later". I still have mixed feelings about vlogging. I do not particularly like reviewing myself talking. It has gotten loads better but I still prefer not to do it. I want to make artsy/skit type videos instead of just me talking about life because then I feel better about people I know IRL seeing my videos. If they find out I do videos and want to watch them i'll gladly show them my redneck impression video but get super nervous about them seeing a talk about things type video.

I love editing, point blank. I hate acting and I hate writing. I love putting things together to create something. Basically i've decided as of right now- fuck everyone i'm going to do what I feel like doing and what fits into MY life, not how much you want to see my face on your screen. I'm going to change up what I do on youtube. I feel like I could start a second channel to do vlogs but whats the point when I already have 2 channels (one that I dont use anymore) and a collab channel (that I'm pretty sure i'm going to leave)

Lets get into that- school is starting in a few weeks and I have a job now. Even if I switched days i'm 80% sure i'm going to have to leave 7awesomebookworms because I am not going to have the time/energy/creativity to make a video every week. Plus the intent of joining a collab channel was that it would not interfere with my personal channel. Guess what- it did. I had time to post last wednesday but I didnt because I HAVE NOTHING NEW TO TALK ABOUT. I dont do much with my life so it is pointless for me to make a video every week on a channel that has no structure/guidelines/themes/etc. Every single week:

Hi
*talk about something*
*this is what i'm reading*
*work/school/etc*
*something i'm GOING to do*
*taking up space*
*ok bye*

Every week for the past like 3 months.

I dont feel like there is even a "conversation" happening between the other collab members because most of the time everyone else either doesnt post or hasnt seen the other videos throughout the week. So who am I making the video for?

Cory, Katy, Eevee, Rachel, Spring, Darci (if any of you see this, i know katy will 4 sho) please know i'm not bitching you all out or being angry about this, i've just lost interest and dont see a point for me anymore. I still have not made a final decision but once school starts for me there is a very good chance I'll be leaving 7awesomebookworms.


Ok moody as hell blog should stop now before it morphs into something else.

Reading: about to go do that right now
Not smoking: 3 days. I'm back to being determined about it and turned it down 2 days ago.
Last song scrobbled: 'Informal Gluttony'- Between the Buried and Me
Self Control for the day: i'd say yes.