Blaugust 4- Conflicted

I mentioned yesterday that I lack self control in certain areas of my life. (once again I was going to read today and here it is 2:30pm and i have not left the computer) I also fail to prioritize things sometimes.

Currently i'm in the middle of 3 different programs that i'm watching online. If i would just work on the shortest one first I could get it out of the way.

I tend to move around my priorities quite frequently. Example is today I wanted to figure out my render issues on Sony Vegas and upload a video. I did that, so my next major goal of the day is to catch up on reading. Before pulling myself from the computer to go read I got a phone call from a friend who wants to hang out. Leaving the house for potential fun is a pretty top priority so It just replaced reading.

So in the back of my head to make myself feel better i'm going to say that I will come home at a decent hour so that I can still read TONIGHT. Which is why I'm blogging now, so I will not have excuses to not read tonight.

So i'm going to a friend's house. The house that I go to on an almost daily basis sometimes. This is due to the fact that he is always available to hang out and I never have any other plans as my other friends are always busy. This partly sucks because the one that can always hang out is the one that contributes to the smoking problem. We don't have much to do over there besides watch tv and listen to music so smoking becomes something to do or becomes a way to make doing nothing fun and/or bearable. My best plan of action would obviously be to stop hanging out with this guy but I don't think I can do that. I am still good friends with him and he's the only one that likes the same heavy music as me so its great to be able to listen to music with him and talk about bands. Its also nice to have a place I can always go if I need to escape the house.

So i'm going over there and he just got off the phone with me and told me about his new pipe and so he's GOING to smoke and GOING to offer it to me and I'm going to try my best to resist. I never know how well i'm going to be able to do this.

I have an addictive personality. You probably already know this- whenever I get into something i REALLY get into it and obsess over it. (Dont believe me? just go look at my last.fm and see how many plays Dream Theater has over all my other bands because I am addicted to Dream Theater) So I have an addictive personality I have come to terms with this. I can't get off this computer to go do other things I want to do etc. When you add substances to an addictive personality that's probably not a good thing. When i'm on something once it starts to kick in, no matter what my initial limits are, I will usually go into a mode where I will only say "ok, how can I get more of this into my system?" This is not to say i'm always running around looking to get fucked up, just WHILE i'm on it I want to keep going further.

Since we're talking about this sort of thing I'd like to blog about, because putting things out there in writing form makes me feel better, the fact that I tried a new substance a few weeks ago.

So far i've done- alcohol, weed, and a strain of opium that was very diluted and not very powerful. Now I can add this stuff called K2 to my list. In a nutshell its synthetic weed. It's still a new thing so not much is known about it but basically they take a bunch of herbs and spices and spray it with a chemical. This chemical contains some of the active ingredients found in marijuana. The stuff is sold as incense but some genius found out that you can smoke it and get a super weed high. I was told it was such a high that it was near hallucination. My friend got some for his birthday from someone and it didnt break any of my personal substance use rules (I do have some guidelines that keep me away from doing things like crack and meth and heroin) so I opted to try it out.

I did not like it. I was INCREDIBLY self concious and my mind was racing the whole time. I was going nuts and starting to shake. I thought oh no this is a bad trip I need to go chill out somewhere and wait this out so I went into the AC and watched tv until it was over.

Addictive personality thought that even though it sucked I should try it again now that I know what it's like It could be different. So I did it again that night and it wasnt as bad. I think the first time I was just freaked out by what it might do.

The rest of that week we didnt smoke weed because we had this K2 stuff. The next time I did finally smoke weed it didnt affect me as much since I was used to the K2. I still have not been able to find out if the K2 has permanently affected my weed tolerance but if it HAS then that is a GOOD thing because that means weed will not do anything for me any more and I wont want to do it.

Ok babbling too much so i'm going to end this.

Days of no smoking- 6.5 (today is not over yet, sadly) *edit: i failed*
Reading- a TINY bit today, hopefully more later on *edit: i succeeded*
Last song scrobbled- 'Roboturner'- Between the Buried and Me