So this is late i know but whatever. i couldnt think of anything to write so i'm just gonna go for a free pass and just gun it tonight, as much as i hate doing these type of blogs. i've ha a bit to drink and for some reason when i'm at home, or alone, or in a quiet social setting i tend to do a lot of thinking and get all philosophical.
people hurt. people i care about. it sucks and I dont know what I can do about it.
shits about to get real once school starts because I have a job now. i'm about to be under the busiest/most stressful schedule i've had in my entire life and i dont know how its going to work out/how i'm going to handle it. i can literally only wait and see.
next summer is my last summer. i only have two more years of college left so the next summer will be the last time I am working part time (theoretically) and just waiting for school to start again. because after next summer everything is just work from then on until i retire. that's a scary thought. i dont know if i'm ready for that part of my life. i mean i'm 21 and I still dont do lots of things that people my age do to more towards the grown up parts of life. i've had my time here and it IS time to move on, but I've always liked to stay where I know is comfortable rather than take my chances and see where I can go. This is a bad thing. I'd lie and say its good to be safe and comfortable but where will I ever go if i'm too afraid to to branch out? even the first step of being on your own in college i'm not doing "correctly". i'm living at home while going to college that's 10 minutes from my house. I JUST started paying for my own gas in my car since I got my job. my parents still pay my phone bill. i still live a fairly sheltered life. it sucks but I dont know how I can push myself to get out there to where I should be.
something that I HAVE done on a very mature level the past few years is i've done a LOT of finding myself. trying new ways to get motivated and making different attempts to maintain different levels of things within my life. its all very complex and too vague to be put into words but i've done relentless experimenting and put loads of thought into how I compose myself nowadays.
I analyze some of these things TOO much, i suppose. mostly my social aspects. i AM getting better. having a job puts me in the "public" more often than I normally would be and so I am learning that I can function quite well in a new and changing environment; however novice it may be.
I expect this is what everyone is supposed to do in college though. But i quite like it. i know myself better than I ever have before. i'm able to let things of the past GO for once and learn from where I have messed up.
It's like i'm planning out the way things will unfold for the rest of my life with the way I think, sometimes. Like how I put tons of thought in my plans for living on my own. How I will arrange certain things, make sure I always remember to do other things, set aside time for these other things. Its all happening subconsciously and its kind of strange how its unfolding naturally; as if i've opened up a part of my mind with the press of a button that i've just noticed.
so i think that's enough self reflection for tonight
school in 5 days: bring it on (?)
reading: did some. gonna try to squeeze a bit in tonight so i can finish goblet of fire tomorrow (my truly last day off until winter break unless I happen to get a friday, saturday or sunday off work which is probably not gonna happen)
Last song scrobbled: "Lie"- Dream Theater
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment
You should definitely comment. Since there's not view count I dont know who/how many are actually reading this.